Broken heart cannot talk

Even before I the dream could finish, I waked up.

It's so hard to me daily keep fighting. I am not sure when I will be tired of fighting. I wanna let go the control. These feelings are not weak just to disappear from the mind's crust. They are too strong, too way ahead of my strength. I underestimated those feelings. The fight, win but they keep coming back like a virus. They are out numbered to my fight capabilities.

I wish I could just give up. I really wish that . . . do not know why I am so reluctant to let go myself. Trying hard, I know I am not trying hard enough. But it's all what I can do. There's nothing that I can do about it.

Can I?

I am strong.

I am done with the fear of doing perpetration. This helplessness, this ridiculous fears, this unjustifiable thoughts. I will fight back. Come on try me.

I am not gong to cry any more, at least I hope not, tired of being afraid.

I survived living hell these last months, and I am still standing here. I am the strong one. You failed terribly in not being able to control me. The fact that I am still right here means I am the strong, and you are the weak. I am wining the battle; will not give up. I did not move even an inch, I did not act in a way that will sway me away from my actual path. Those terrible hallucinations will end, those illusions will vanish, have faith.

Haunting will stop. I will make them stop. You cannot kill me, your whispers will not make me die. No matter if I had to fight again and again. I will fight, each and every time you manage to come up.

With pain

Hi my love,

How are you? How is your health? You doing good? Are you happy? All I think is only of you, every day, every hour, every minute, and even seconds, will you believe me if I say there goes no minute without thinking of you? I do not know how I am doing it, but, every time I try to avoid you, my heart keeps only beating for you. It always misses you a lot.

Chat, do you miss me? Don't you love me? Tell me honestly, don't you love me? Tell me what to do with these feelings that I have for you? Please let me know what I have to do with those? I am not sure, why I got feelings for you when you do not even love me. Do you love me Chat? I believe you do. No one here believe that you love me. They say to me that, do not be a fool. But Chat, they forget one thing, that I love you a lot and lot.

I keep asking God daily, why I am in love? If I have to live without you, why this much of pain? Why I am missing him so much? Why I prefer death to life without him? But there is no answer from Him. He is really enjoying seeing me here crying for your absence. I do not know how to give solace to my aching heart, there seems to be no panacea for this wounded heart.

You are so much gifted, you are able to live without me, but for me every day is challenge for my own survival. I do not know why I am still enduring all this pain. I wonder even if you think of me or not. How is life without me? You like it? I see daily hell. I am so much addicted to you, your memories come alive in front of my eyes. They are so much fresh, as if they happened yesterday night . . . when we are so happy together. You and I laughing and running and competing with each other . . .

There's no one here for me, I am all alone, and my heart is not seeking any one's company. It literally rejects anyone who tries to come near me. Stupid heart thinks pain is sweet. The pain you gifted me. When I come to home, I see only whole bunch of emptiness in it. Before your smiling face used to welcome me, your warm hugs used to be my resting place from my hard day. Now I get only silent home. I have to live all the memories that I had with you again and again . . . bringing me tears one after another, with no scope of ending.

I still see in the vacuum in the hope to get a glimpse of you. But you never are visible. All I see is pitch black. I smell your clothes and think you are still here, I do not even dare to wash them. I do not know why I am still so mad about you. I do not know why I got this strong unbreakable feelings on you. You just gave up on me. I am not able to do the same. I am not able to let you go . . . my love is not letting you go, not permitting me to move on. They are pulling me deep into abyss of sadness again and again not letting me to come out that well.

I wish Thanatos hugs me tight and never lets me go. But I think He is not interested in me, He wants to suffer, perhaps. I am mourning a thousands of times a hour. Not able to bury you. How are you able to live without me? Do not you have the same pain that I have. Ha! So stupid I am, if you really loved me why would you leave me. It's as simple as that. My friend asked me, "If he loves you, then why even he did not mail you?" I got no answer for that. I stared outside into the empty streets.

What should I do with these strong, sturdy, and reluctant, persistent feelings on you Chat? Are they just meaningless, incredible, powerful pain that I am going through for nothing?

Stop it Chat, stop this pain. I cannot take it. I cannot take it any more. Stop it. Put an end to it, do anything but stop it. Please make it stop, the pain. Stop it.

Stop this abysmal misery my love, I pray . . .

With pain,
Your love.